Unfair Devotion
It can be extremely tricky navigating the obstacles of a relationship with someone whom you’ve been infatuated with from your first moment of interaction. No, I’m not talking about the lust and butterflies you get with your “First Love” or with a first kiss or brand new and exciting relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for those butterflies and that high of devotion you feel with a lover. I’m speaking of a totally different (note I didn’t say higher) level of love and devotion.
I’m talking about the magnificent, mighty and sometimes seemingly unfair love a mother has for her child. I won’t get hung up on making this post a sorry attempt at describing such love and devotion; to try and put the experience into words would simply fall short. If you’re a parent, you know where I’m coming from. If not, I’m sure you’ve heard some (maybe too many) parents boasting on and on with the all too common phrase of “You don’t know love until…” Don’t worry, that is not the direction I will be taking.
Instead, I’m going to focus on the recent struggles I’ve encountered with loving another human being this way. Yes, yes there’s a lot of beauty and good to say about it but I’m sure you’ve heard it many ways.
Believe it or not, there are a lot of difficulties, tricky situations and downright unfair moments that come with this kind of love as well. Personally, I don’t like sharing my last few bites of food off of my plate, but I end up doing that almost every single day. It’s not that I’m… stingy. It’s more of a lifelong habit I’ve had of saving the best bites, perfectly proportioned and rationed out, for last. I always want to end a meal or snack with my taste buds completely satisfied. Call it obsessive compulsive if you will, it’s just how I roll. Or, how I used to roll before this whole other being stole my heart, my devotion, my adoration and eventually the food off of my plate.
The unfair thing about situations like this, is I really do NOT mind. Now that’s where I am caught off guard. If any other person dare try to snag one of the last few bites off of my plate, he or she will be met with a slap on their hand and a grumble that probably resembles a wolf protecting his kill - more so than I’d like to admit. Then this little human being comes along that I’ve birthed, raised, changed, protected and devoted myself to as if he owns the joint. All he has to do is show a mere interest in what I am eating and before I can even evaluate the situation, the last few and best bites of my dish are going into his mouth. What. The. Hell? I didn’t know I was capable of being so passive, especially about really good food.
That’s one of the things that I think is most challenged during parenthood, is your capabilities; or at least your opinion of your capabilities. I know I question mine way more often than I did before I became a mother. A simple trip to the grocery store, doctor’s visit, or even an attempt to watch a movie suddenly become more difficult or complicated. This can be jarring once you start to realize it and can really cause you to ponder if you’re the only one that hasn’t figured it out yet. Trust me, you’re not the only one! Even when I think I’ve discovered THE perfect system, tool, or strategy to make certain things run smoothly, something changes and I’m back to square one. All is well though, as soon as those little stinkers you call your own look you in the eyes and steal your heart away all over again. Is it fair that they can make you melt within an instant and you forget that you were starting to get frustrated? I don’t know about fair but it certainly is an amazing survival tactic.
These survival tactics and the disgustingly immense amount of love and devotion you have for your child can certainly derail your discipline tactics and standards. This has been one of my struggles with my three-year-old boy for the past couple of months. Wow, has it really been a couple of months since we started encountering problems? I guess these things take time to figure out. What I’m talking about is finding that balance between devotion and respect, love and discipline, infatuation and gratitude, parent and friend. He may not be aware of it, but my son is guilty of taking complete advantage of me and the love I have for him. He doesn’t even know that he’s doing it, but it certainly plays out that way if I’m not careful to watch for it.
There are some things you encounter with your child when they are three that aren’t as common or even developmentally possible when they are two years old. For instance: hearing a drawn out explanation filled with reasoning, misdirection and gestures of why a particular mess has not been cleaned up yet; or why he thinks he should get a cookie when he didn’t finish dinner; or why there is play dough rubbed deep into the living room carpet. The extra time for language development from age two to three is enough to turn your child into an expert negotiator. While they were two years old, they learned they cannot simply behave in a certain way, get whatever they want, or get away with anything. There is generally a grace period where they accept this fact, know what is expected of them and behave accordingly… for the most part. Then the threes hit and before you know it, you’re having an all-out debate with your child on something because they’ve suddenly found a loop hole or a weak point in your rules.
I stumbled into finding harmony with my son the past few days where I am not so tense, he’s not so tense and we can handle most things with a simple request or explanation. It feels great having a day like I did today. The defiant little shit has altered his behavior. Or maybe it’s my attitude adjustment. Maybe it’s both. We had a wonderful day with no time outs or consequences and I barely even raised my voice where last week I yelled more often than I’d like to admit and felt completely defeated and incapable of doing this right. Then add the parenting guilt that accompanies your not-so-nice reactions, the fear of messing your child up, and the face-palm when you evaluate your own behavior. My poor son had to deal with me and I had to figure out how to navigate his defiance. Not one way works with every child, but it feels good to have found a strategy (temporarily effective as it may be) that works for our relationship.
Our devotion to our children is unconditional. Our love for them never waivers, even when they are challenging your every attempt at raising them right. They can push you right up to the edge of insanity and in an instant pull you back; and all it can take is a certain facial expression, a simple sweet sentence, or an act of humor. They can take the best bites off of your plate, destroy something of value (or a lot of somethings), paint your clothes, use permanent marker on your carpet, spill milk on your couch, or reach octaves that you are convinced are actually piercing your brain (or delete half the article you just wrote on Medium with a swift chubby little finger)! Does that sway your love, adoration and devotion to them in the least? No, it doesn’t. Absolutely not. They will still be able to make you laugh, cry tears of joy, behave in silly manners you didn’t think you would, sing songs that aren’t in your normal genre of music choice, and make you happier than you could have ever imagined. All they have to do is exist.
It can be overwhelming, both the challenges and the amount of love your child creates for you. At times you just want five minutes of space where you don’t have a toddler climbing on you every which way and a five year old talking a mile a minute about his incredible lego structure, all while you’re trying to cook or accomplish a task. Then life baffles you again when you’re reluctant and emotional about letting them go to their first day of school. You seriously consider home-schooling, and worry about how difficult it will be on Baby Brother. You almost convince yourself that the child doesn’t need to go to school. Then, you have to swallow the lump in your throat, put on your enthusiastic face, and actually encourage your child to go. You have to let them go. I’ll take being bombarded by my boys throughout each day, as I know these days are limited. So, like I said. It is an unfair love. It is an unfair devotion.